Spammers and learning something new.

In blogging and site news, I have had to shut down comments on all previous entries, including the last two that I just wrote a single day ago, due to being flooded by some nasty and evil spammers.
All comments get moderated anyway, nothing gets published unless I say it does, but I am getting pounded by spammers!
Every hour, I get approximately 20-30 spam comments from the same exact spammer(s) all posting the same exact list of spam URLs, to the exact same nasty websites.
They think they are oh so clever though, they say things like the following at the beginning of their huge lists of URLs in the hopes that I will mistake it as a real comment and not mark it as spam and block their IP address;

"Congrats on your new home!" (what?)
"I hope that I can have one someday too!" (er?)
"Sorry for my silence these past days, my computer was broken." (I hope you get the blue-screen of death, for reals!)
"In related news, the Wayans brothers want to cast Tiger woods in their next movie but they can't decide if the title should be White Chicks 11 or 12 ?" (ha-ha! OK, that IS kinda funny, but it's still spam!)
"Oh man, I'm so not your friend anymore!" (Good! Now go away and leave my blog alone!!)
"Deeply entrenched lurker here ;)" (Great, thanks for letting me know, IP is now blocked!)
And oh so many more stupid and off topic comments like them.
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Sebastian and I took a walk to the corner store a bit ago, and when we go for walks, he always tells me about his day or a story from his life from another day.
Tonight he told me about one of the times that he went to the horse farm with my sister Jo to ride the horses and help out around the farm for a day.
The horse farm they go to lets you ride a horse for awhile for free if you help out around the farm first.
Muck out the stalls, feed the chickens, geese, horses, and pigs, all of that kind of stuff, and then you can pick a horse that you like to ride, and go out riding the beautiful trails for a couple of hours.

One Saturday when they went, one of the people who works at the farm asked him to go to the stalls and get the horse tack, that's all that she said to him, so he started to walk off toward the stalls and then stopped.
He walked over to Aunt Jo, and asked her, "Aunt Jo, what is horse tack?"
She told him to go and just grab everything that you need to ride the horse.
He went to the stalls and grabbed a bridle, bits, a harness, a saddle, saddle pads, stirrups, reins, crops, and a martingale.
He carried it all back out to the area where they were getting the horses ready for a day of riding, and brought it to the woman who had told him to go get it.
He started helping her put it all on the horse he was going to be riding that day, Maximilian, and he just had to know exactly what it was, so he asked her, "Which one of these things that I brought, is the horse tack?"
She laughed a little bit, and then she said to him, "It's all horse tack. We call all of the stuff that you use for riding a horse, 'tack'. It's so much simpler to say 'get the tack', then it is to say 'get the bridle, bits, a harness, a saddle, saddle pads, stirrups, reins, crops, and a martingale', isn't it?"
He agreed and said yes, and he also felt a little bit embarrassed by asking, but he really didn't know.

And neither did I until he told me the story tonight.
When we came home from the store, I wanted to see if he was pulling my leg, so I typed into Google, what is horse tack, and this is the definition that I found;
"Tack is a term used to describe any of the various equipment and accessories worn by horses in the course of their use as domesticated animals. Saddles, stirrups, bridles, halters, reins, bits, harnesses, martingales, and breastplates are all forms of horse tack. Equipping a horse is often referred to as tacking up."

I learned something new on my walk tonight.
I like learning new things.
I also like having those walks with my sons, whichever one decides to walk to the corner store and back with me, because it gives me a chance to have some one-on-one alone time with them.
I get to talk with just them, no one else around to interrupt or make them uncomfortable, they open up and tell me things when it's just the two of us.
The boys and I have always had a pretty good open communication line between us, but I would say that the older they got, the harder it was to talk with them about some things.
Both of them are going through some things, some of those things I won't be discussing on my blogs, but I do talk about them with my counselor when I go and see her (once a month) because those things have a lot to do with the current situations in my house and with my family.
Earlier tonight, all three of us sat down and talked about the family issues that have had me really upset for several days now, some that I did blog about.
There were a lot of questions, a lot of denial, a lot of yelling, a lot of crying, a lot of confusion, and a lot more of me learning what people think and say about me.
There's a very deep hatred for me because I packed up my sons and moved here to Florida in 1997, instead of just staying in Maine.
But I will have to talk more about that stuff in another post because this one is now well over 1,000 words, and I know, super long posts like this don't get read all of the way through, people skim long posts, or just don't even bother reading long posts at all.
And that's OK.
I blog it because I need to, because I need to talk it out, get it out, so it doesn't build up in me and cause an emotional explosion.
So that's all for now, more to follow, most definitely.

Comments temporarily disabled.

When you have insomnia, you're never really asleep, you're never really awake.

I have insomnia again, surprise, surprise!
I rarely if ever sleep anymore, and on the very rare nights that I do manage to fall asleep, it's usually very, very late, like around 4:30am-5:30am, and by then, Carmine the indoor-outdoor stray we've adopted, starts to literally smack me in the face with his paw, and then start meowing very loudly directly into my face for me to get up, because that's when he wants to go out.
Now.
I try to ignore it as long as I can, but I can't, so I get up, let him out, pee, and then I'm wide awake again.
Tonight is one of those nights where I can't sleep, so if he wants out tonight, at least he won't have to paw my face off to go out, one meow should do just fine.

Having chronic insomnia makes you feel odd, out of place, not right with the world in any way at all.
It is actually extremely depressing.
When you don't get hardly any sleep for days and days on end, when the depression from not sleeping starts to creep in, the thoughts also start to creep in.
One of the things Mark and I talked about was suicide.
We talked about Rachel, and we talked about how I'm too much of a coward to do it to myself.
And it's true, I am a coward.
He did ask me though, that if I were ever going to do it, why would I do it, would be it because of the never-ending pain, the never-ending medications, just what would it say on the note if I did do it and left a note.
It didn't take me very long to think about it at all, I know what my note would say.
It would say exactly the following:

No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try or have tried, no matter what good I do or good I have done, it will NEVER be enough for people. It will just never, ever be enough. They will always find faults with me, look right past all of the kindness and good that I do and have done, they will always point of my faults in detail, they will never let them go, they will never see me as anyone but a screw-up. I could win the Powerball lottery, like $300 million, I could give every single one of my family members $10 million each, I could donate millions to charity, I could do so many good deeds with it, and someone somewhere, WILL say that I am not being genuinely generous, that I am simply doing it to make people think that I'm a good person, that I'm just trying to buy love and respect, but you can bet your ass they would all still keep the money, keep it to "teach me a lesson."

I'm not looking for any pity here, or fishing for any damn compliments, I just learned some very hard and painful facts today and I am reeling from it, hurt, angered, upset, I feel betrayed, unloved, just so so hurt, and because of it all, because of this and these feelings, I don't want to take my income taxes this coming year and fly home to be with people who lie to my face and then stab me in the back the second I turn.
It's so hard to love someone so very much and to just lose them with no explanation at all.
It's so painful.
I want to take my money and take my sons someplace else, someplace for just the three of us, no stress, no mess, just far away from the people and places that love me to my face and hurt me behind my back.
I don't want to be around people who lie to me anymore, I don't want to be around people who think doing that to another person is OK to do.

I'm sorry, I really am just having such a super hard time tonight, the pain that I am feeling is burning me to my core, I haven't stopped crying in several hours now, so I apologize for being such a downer this evening.
I really do because I love all of you, my faithful readers who have been with me for years, read and listen to me, relate to me, and without this blog and all of you, I can't say that I would have made it this long, so thank you, all of you, for being with me on this roller coaster that is my life.
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You know what I want?
Afterr wasting many hours browsing the internet tonight, I found that I want one of those unlocked phones so I can go with any company, and I'd probably stick with my same company, but I'm like dying to try to get and have one of those "crackberry" phones that everyone talks about.
People brag about how it's like the absolute best phone ever, it's addictive, and I suppose that's why they have nicknamed it the "crackberry".
I do love my current phone, it works awesome, but someday I would really like to have one of the latest and greatest cell phones like everyone else has just so that I can say yeah, I have a crackberry too.
You gotta be somebody just like everybody else.

continue reading

Rainy, hard, educational days.

While Sebastian was at school today, Mark and I had a very long talk about a lot of things.
It started out with how he was feeling about some stuff, some issues that he didn't quite know how to bring up to me.
I told him the same thing that I have always told my sons, "No matter what you say to me, I promise I will not get mad at you, ever, I may hurt, but I won't get mad, and I PROMISE that I will NEVER stop loving you."

So he told me some things about how some people who have been in my life just a little bit longer than my sons have, just some of my extended family, really feel about me.
I am hated actually, and I can understand why, I really can.
I'm one of the only ones in my extended family who has never forgiven my ex-husband for the things that took place during all of the short years we were together.
He's a changed man you see, yet I have not forgiven him like they all have.
He's never asked for it, he's never apologized, so how can I forgive someone who has never apologized or asked to be forgiven?
I have not forgotten or forgiven him for the things that he's done to me or to my sons, he hurt my sons terribly, and I love them more than my own life.

The conversation with Mark went on for hours, things that I am being accused of doing, still, but now by them, people who live in Maine, thousands of miles away, people who never see me or speak to me unless I pay for us to fly up there.
I just love being accused of doing all kinds of drugs, not just the drugs that my doctor prescribes to me on a monthly basis, but hardcore street drugs, like cocaine, and heroin.
Did you all know that I was shooting up?
Between my toes so that there's no visible track marks on my arms or body?
Did you know that?
Did you know that they sit and talk about how I need to go in for some very serious opiate detox very soon?
I'm not to be trusted with money, ever, I'm a thief, a liar, a strung-out junkie and a horrible mother.
Did you know those things?!?

Yes, these are the things that I am told that I am and am doing, they are told to my sons who spend day after day with me, they would know if I was doing those things, they would see me doing those things, yet, at the very same time I am all of those things, I am expected to come up with enough money to fly the three of us up north to Maine every single year so that the teens can visit all of their family.
I am a disabled and single mother living on a very limited income, yet I'm supposed to somehow come up with ALL of the money to fly us all up there every year before the older relatives die ya know?
Does anyone, has anyone, EVER offered to help me buy the plane tickets for us to get up there?!
Hell no!
Have any of them ever come here to visit us?
Hell no!
It's expensive dammit!
And oh forbid that I say that I can't afford it one year, I am guilted so bad for it, but um, hello?!
Did y'all miss the part about me being a single and disabled parent living on a very, very limited income?!

I do the absolute very best that I can every single day of my life.
I pay the bills, I buy the food, I work as much and as hard as I can, I take damn good care of my sons, they have turned out really amazingly well, and believe me, it was not because anyone helped me, I did it all by myself.
People who sit in judgment of me, saying all of those horrible things, hating on me, yet my sons have turned out incredible, and that is because of me, so if I am so freaking bad, how did they turn out so damn good huh?
HUH?!?!?

I would really, absolutely, sooo TOTALLY LOVE for that Freaky Friday kind of stuff to be true.
I would love for all of the people who sit in judgment of me, to spend just 24-48 hours in my body, in my life, do what I do every single day of my life, live it.
Hell, spend a week inside my body, swap souls with me, live my life, and then at the end of it, I can guarantee that they will be BEGGING to go back to their own bodies and lives, and then maybe they will shut up and leave me and mine alone.
What's that saying?

"Before you accuse, criticize, and abuse- walk a mile in my shoes".

What a rainy, crazy, and crappy week it has been.

It has been raining off and on all week long, and when it rains, I am a totally useless lump of flesh on the couch.
I haven't been able to do much of anything at all, I've been in far too much pain to do anything, and I have been sick on top of it, so yeah, just miserable.
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On Tuesday morning, I received a text message from Moe, the guy who owns the corner store, a really great guy, who was letting me know that Rachel, the girl who worked there and was a friend to me, had killed herself sometime around 2am Tuesday morning.
She left her purse, cell phone, all of her things at the store around midnight, said that she was going home, but something snapped I guess, and she ended up hanging herself in the little wooded area right behind the corner store.
I've walked up to the corner store and back a few times now, and there is now a cross, flowers, and 4 large candles placed there for her.
This afternoon when I was on my way to the pharmacy and grocery store, I stopped and lit all 4 of the candles for her. The rain had put them all out.
I said a few words for her as I lit them, I said that I hoped that she finally was at peace now, that whatever it was that drove her to that, hopefully, she was at peace now. I also said that if I had known she was thinking of doing that, that I would have gladly talked to her, that I would have been a friend to listen, and a shoulder to cry on, that I would have tried to help her.

I know all too well that feeling of hopelessness, of feeling like there's no way out of the current and horrible situation that drives you to think of suicide, and that if she had only talked to someone, maybe it didn't have to end that way.
I know that's what happened for me.
In 2001 when I had to stop working, when I got the wicked bad news about my back, I felt so lost and hopeless, like a total failure as a mother, I couldn't work anymore, how was I going to provide for my boys, what was I going to do, how the hell was I going to get out of this super mess?!?
My landlord, of all people, just happened to knock on my door on one of the days that I was crying uncontrollably and thinking of ending it all, he asked what was wrong, and it all just came spilling out of me like a flood.
He came in to my home and talked to me for hours, he gave me so many reasons to not kill myself, he saved my life that day, and I have never thought of suicide again, and the very few times that it has slipped back into my head, the words he said to me that morning come back.
If only someone had been there for Rachel, if only someone had asked her what was wrong, maybe it wouldn't have ended this way.
If I had known she was thinking of suicide, if I had only known that she was feeling so lost and hopeless, I know that I would have talked to her, I would have repeated the same words my landlord said to me, maybe it would have made a difference, maybe it would have helped, or maybe it wouldn't have, there's really no way to know now.
All I can do now is hope that she's finally at peace, that whatever it was that brought her to hang herself, was finally over for her.
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In other news, Sebastian started school again on Monday, they didn't have him registered for any classes yet, none, so he had to sit and wait for almost 3 hours while they figured out why he didn't get signed up for any of the classes he had registered for, then register him for them again, and print his schedule.
Ugh.
Then on Wednesday, the teens had to go and give their depositions in the "iced tea mugging", so he missed a day of school for that and the vice principal is demanding he bring in proof that he was doing depositions, she wants the actual subpoena, not a copy, and uh, sorry, he needs those for the courts, so she's getting a photocopy of it, like it, lump it, or suck it.
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This morning started out really good.
The sun finally poked back out, and I got an email from Lori at A Cowboy's Wife, letting me know that I had won the giveaway she had on her blog for an awesome pair of Langston's cowboy boots!
I have been given the promo code to go to the site and pick out my pair and order them, yay!
These are the ones that I really like, so I'm pretty sure that they are the ones that I'm going to get.
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The sun came out, I won a great giveaway, and I got paid a day early so I was able to go and pick up my meds, pay a bill to keep the lights on, and get some groceries for the house.
Hopefully things just keep getting better from here on out!

Whoah, been a few days huh?

As soon as I finish this post, I need to go hop in the shower to get ready for my doc appointment.
Well not hop in the shower, I cannot hop at all these days, but you know what I mean, I need to get in the shower and take a shower so I can be all nice and clean for my doc appointment today.
I am going to my doctor's new practice today for the first time.
He and his PA (Physician's Assistant) Mary left the old practice they were at and are now at a new one, so I am headed there this morning for my appointment.
It was supposed to be last week, but that was at the old practice with the other doctor that has never once treated me, so I had to be rescheduled for today because they moved.
I really don't mind even though it is in a different part of town, I have a ride there and back, so no biggie at all.

OK, time to go get ready and get my butt in gear to go.
Later days!

Another if I owned my own home post.

Even though I know that it will probably never happen, I like to think about all of the things that I would do in my own home if I were to ever own my own home.
I already have my wall paint colors picked out, my style of furniture, how I would want my kitchen to look, that kind of stuff.
Like, I want all stainless steel appliances in my big (read: HUGE kitchen!) kitchen with a lot of counter space, and a lot of cupboards for all of my stuff, all of my kitchen gadgets and appliances, and a nice big food pantry to store all kinds of extras and cooking essentials that every kitchen should have on hand.
I currently don't have enough counter space for all of my cooking gadgets, nor do I have enough cupboard space to always have the basic pantry cooking essentials on hand, which drives me nuts and is one of the reasons why I am always dreaming and thinking about how my kitchen would look if I ever own my own home.
I have to have a large kitchen with a ton of counter and cupboard space, and a food pantry for all of the basics so whatever meal I am cooking, I will always have the right ingredients on hand to make it.

Anyway, I took a walk to the corner store and back earlier this evening, and on my way back it was now dark enough for the street lights to come on and the ones at people's homes too.
One of my neighbors is a guy who works for one of the local tv stations, he lives just up the street from me, about a block or so, and he's always doing work to his yard, putting in new Florida friendly plants and designing it, and tonight I noticed that he's now added some nice new landscape lighting around the trees and plants that he planted in his front yard.
It looks so wicked nice!
He has some lights aimed up near the base of the palm tree he has planted in the middle, there's some smaller lights mixed in with all of the different Florida friendly plants and flowers that he has, so when you look at his yard, you can clearly see all of the beautiful plants and rocks that he has done some nice design with right in his front yard.
I would love to do that kind of stuff to my own yard some day if I ever own my own home.

Rain, sick, sleepless.

I have been sick and in pain for like the last four to five days now, and it has totally sucked.
Between the rain and my arthritis, my back, insomnia, and meds running low, I have just been a totally useless waste of flesh laying around the house.

Sebastian spent most of the weekend at my sister's house, and Mark spent most of the weekend at his friend Jeff's house playing video games, so I didn't feel quite so bad about being so sick and sleeping off and on, complaining about my pain and the crappy rainy weather.
No one was here to listen to me. haha

I spent the whole weekend either sleeping for 15-30 minutes at a time or watching movies when I had insomnia and just couldn't sleep at all.
I watched the entire Indiana Jones collection, Iron Man, The Karate Kid, and a ton of other movies that the names are currently drawing a blank on me.

The only thing of any real importance that happened this weekend is that my doctor's PA Mary, (physician's assistant) called me on Sunday afternoon, and she told me that my doctor and her are no longer at the office that they were previously at, and she gave me all of the new information on where they are and stuff, and so then today, I called and scheduled my appointment with them for this month instead of at my old office.
I never saw the other doctor from that practice, so I want to stick with my doc and the PA Mary if I can, so I did.
I have no idea why they left, but hey, whatever, as long as I get in for my appointments every month I'm happy. I'll ask why they left when I go in to see them.

I figured that I should at least check in here in case anyone was wondering about me.
Not that many people do anymore, and I know that it's because my posting has become totally sporadic, I often don't post for days at time and I wish I could get back on track, but I don't know, I just feel so out of it for the last few months.
Like I wake up in the morning and just feel, empty, blank, just totally empty.
Ever feel that way?
Like not sad, not happy, no depressed, not hungry, not tired, not sleepy, not anything, just blank, empty feeling, like no emotions at all.
Empty.
That's the best way that I can explain things.
Empty.

To sleep, perchance to sleep?

Well Momma Maggie and her four babies have gone on to their new home today, just right through my back yard!
My friends got a duplex apartment on the street right behind me, and their back door faces the back of my house, so we can go visit with the kitty babies any time that we want to.
That's really good as we've loved having them here, it's always fun to have baby kitties around, and Momma Maggie was just so sweet and loving, and she let us hold her babies too.
They were all so soft, they had that new kitten smell, it's like a brand new baby smell, but from a cat.
They mewed so tiny and sweet, they slept in funny positions, it was just a lot of fun having them here.

I think that I'm finally exhausted enough to sleep, at least I hope I am.
It's now been five days, maybe six, that I haven't slept at all, and I feel like I'm running on fumes.
Well that's not totally true, I'm actually running on Diet Coke, Pall Mall Lights, and sugar cookies.
After so many days of not sleeping, I can't even really eat a meal, it makes me feel sick, so I just drink my Diet Cokes, smoke, and ingest sugar to keep me going until my body finally decides to let me sleep.
I know, not a healthy way to do things, and yes, I know all about the smoking, but I'm doing the best that I can do here.
I have been suffering from terrible bouts of insomnia for about the last five to six years now.
I'll go for days and days without sleeping at all, maybe catch a few minutes dozed off in my chair, or maybe 15 minutes or so on the couch, but these last few days, I haven't gotten any sleep at all, not even one single minute, so I'm so totally exhausted, my brain is completely fried, I am not even sure if I'm thinking clearly or not at this point.
I feel like I'm rambling on and on,yet I can barely type at all, my hands and fingers feel so very heavy, I keep making mistakes, having to click on the spell checker or backspace to correct my mistakes.

Before I try to go to sleep though, I have quite a few emails that I need to answer, I have been putting a few of them off for at least four to five days, so now I need to answer them.
Hopefully it's not too late to answer some of them, they didn't say they were time sensitive, but you never know, some people expect a reply within 24 hours, and if they don't get it, they just don't want anything at all to do with you after that.
I really hope that's not the case with some of them, they seemed kind of interesting to me so I'll keep my fingers crossed that I haven't lost my chance to talk with some of these people.

Anyway, I am going to go answer those emails now, hopefully answer those emails now. haha
And then yes, I am going to go lay down, and I am pretty sure that this time, I'll be able to fall asleep.
I really do think that tonight's the night.
Yes I do.

A very long and rough night for a friend of mine.

I have permission from my friend Nik, who this is about, to post this.
I have blogged about Nik a few times on here, and before I left to come back home tonight, I asked her if it was OK for me to blog about this just in case some people may be wondering where I was and what I was doing all night long.
I know I don't lead a terribly exciting life, but I do get emails from friends every so often asking me why I haven't posted, asking if I am OK or not because I haven't posted.
So this will explain where I was all night long.

My friend Nik (Nikki) was on her way to pay her cell phone bill and get it turned back on, she was a little late making the payment so they shut her off, and so she was going to pay it in person and get it turned back on, and then run a few more errands before coming back home and then her and I were going to have a movie night up at her place.
She stopped at a Hess gas station in Bradenton to get some drinks for her and her eight year old daughter Leonna who went with her, and when they got back to the truck, her daughter got in on the driver side, slid over, Nik threw her keys and cell phone on the seat next to her daughter and was just about to throw her purse in and hop in the truck herself, when some guy hit her on the back of the head really hard, grabbed her purse, and took off.
Nik never saw him, she got hit in the head from behind, it dropped her to her knees she said, so she never even got a glimpse of the guy, and her poor little daughter Leonna, was so scared and freaked out, all she can remember seeing was a black man in a white tank top and dark colored pants, she was just so scared because she saw her mommy get hit, heard her mommy scream and cry, and so that is all she saw, a black man in a white tank top and dark colored pants.
Nik called the cops from the store phone, she never even got to get to the cell phone place to turn her phone back on yet, the cops showed up did their thing, took her and her daughter's statements, asked other people if they saw anything, then the cops had to call Hess corporate to be able to review the video surveillance tapes of the parking lot to try and get a look at the guy, try to see how he escaped, either on foot, bike, or a car, and hopefully, if it was a car, get the make, model, and HOPEFULLY, a plate number to try and catch this jerk.
Nik had to go to the hospital in Bradenton to get checked out and luckily she didn't get her head split open, but she has one hell of a knot on the back of her head, and her poor little girl is absolutely terrified.
Nik is not allowed to go to sleep because of the possibility of a concussion, so I had to go up to her apartment up the street and stay with her to keep her awake until Gerb, her daughter's father and her roommate, (they are not together as a couple but live together for the sake of their daughter, looonnnng story) came home from wherever he was so he could keep her awake for the rest of the night.
He came home around 1:45am and I stayed for a little bit to help Nik explain to him what had happened and why she has to be kept awake all night.
I also told him that I took Leonna to her grandparent's house, his parent's house, who so conveniently (thank goodness they do in situations like this!) live right across the street from their apartment building.
I told the grandparents what had happened, why poor little Leonna is so scared and upset, and so they hugged her tightly and are going to be taking care of her for the whole night, letting her sleep over their house, cuddling with her, and letting her know that everything will be OK in the way that only grandparents have that special way of somehow making the grand-kids really believe that everything really is going to be alright.
Leonna was just crying and sobbing, and she was holding onto my hand so tightly as she and I crossed the street to go to their house, and she kept saying that a really, really bad man had hit her mommy on the head and took her purse, he hurt her mommy bad, she kept repeating to me as we crossed the street and knocked on their door.
She just fell into her grandmother's arms when she opened the door.
Poor little thing. *wicked sad face*

So anyway, I just got back home a little bit ago.
But poor Nik.
She had just got her first SSI monthly check in the mail, yesterday, Friday, and she had just cashed it and was on her way to pay and get her cell phone turned back on, and then she was going to go pay her car insurance bill, and then come home and she, Leonna and I, were going to have a girl's movie night at her place.
But it was so wicked hot out, so she stopped for waters for her and Leonna at a Hess gas station.
The guy must have been in line behind her, or next to her, or something, saw the amount of money in her wallet, and just went for it, decided to take her whole purse, violently.
She said if he had spoken to her, if he had just asked for the money, or just threatened to hurt her for the money, that she would have just handed him all of the money as long as he didn't hurt her or her daughter, she would have just given it to him to avoid a violent confrontation in front of her daughter, she would do anything to protect her child.
He hit her so hard in the back of the head so she doesn't even know if he used his closed fist or if he had some sort of weapon in his hand, she just knows it hurt really super-wicked bad and dropped her to her knees.
She has a massive lump on the back of her head where she got hit, so she is really lucky that whatever he hit her with, didn't split her head wide open, the lump is that freaking huge.

Nik is so upset, and not just about the lump and the pain and the money, but because she had just cashed that check, it was her very first check after finally being approved for SSI and SSDI after almost 4 years of court hearings and doctors, and paperwork up the butt to finally get approved.
It was the very first check in what feels like a never ending battle to get approved, that first check is like a huge sigh of relief when it finally comes, it just takes all of the stress and worry off of your shoulders that you've been carrying around for all of the years that you have been fighting to get approved for your disability.
She just got a new set of MRIs and saw her doctor, he is talking major surgery, spine fusion surgery, and she is so scared, so she and I have been talking a lot about it, I've been there, done that, so I can help her get through it.
Anyway, it was just a monthly check, not the big retroactive check, that would have really sucked, but still, it was a lot of money to have taken that way, almost $500 just ripped from her violently in front of her daughter, and not to mention everything else in her purse.
Her license, her social security card, her food stamp card, medicaid card, her prescription insurance card, her bank and debit cards, freaking everything was in her purse, so not only did I have to help keep her awake all night long until Gerb came home, but we had to call as many places as we could that were still open for customer service calls and tell them to cancel all of the cards, give them the police report case number so the cards could all be marked as stolen.
Thank goodness all of them had the press the number option to report your card as lost or stolen, so we were able to report every single one of them as stolen, and I also had her call the three credit reporting agencies so they could put alerts on her credit reports just in case something happens and her SS card number doesn't get canceled immediately by the SSA.

The whole late afternoon and night were a freaking nightmare for her.
The attack happened around 3pm or so, maybe a little later, and she didn't get home from Bradenton and the hospital until around 8pm when she called me up crying really hard and begging me to come up to her apartment, she begged me for help, she didn't even know where or how to begin reporting things as stolen, and her head hurt really bad, she was just sobbing and begging me for help, so with the teens gone for the night to my sister's house, I immediately got myself dressed and walked straight up to her place.
I did every single thing that I could think of to report all of her cards as stolen, and a few of the places that we called gave us some other numbers to call for some of her other things that were stolen, so I think we got it all covered and taken care of, I hope.
Identity theft really sucks so I really hope that we got everything canceled ASAP.
What helped a lot was that I made her remember and write down a list of every single card that she could recall being in her wallet slot by slot, visualize the contents of the wallet, so that I could look up all of the telephone numbers for each one so that she could call them and explain, I kept track of each one as we called it, checking it off of the list, made sure she gave each one the police report number and everything that she needed to tell each place when she called.
I had written it all down for her so that she wouldn't be stumbling over her words not knowing exactly what to say.
It was so hard for her, she was in such wicked bad pain, I kept changing out her ice pack for her, getting her drinks of water, hugging her when she started to break down and cry again, and she was trying really hard not to cry when she was speaking to people on the phone, but her whole purse with everything in it was stolen so violently from her in front of her daughter, it was just such a horrible night for her.

I feel so so bad for her, but I did every single thing that I could think of to do to help her.
I really think just having a friend sitting there on her bed with her, hugging her when she needed it, letting her cry, telling her that things were going to be OK, letting her talk about her very frightening experience, helping to take care of her and her head injury, and making sure her daughter was in a safe place for the night, and just being a good, loving, and supportive friend, is what she really needed to help her get through a very traumatic afternoon and night.
Once Gerb found out what had happened and he knew that Leonna was in a safe place for the night, and also knew that his daughter didn't get physically injured, he also was extremely supportive of Nik.
They may no longer be married, they may sleep in separate bedrooms at the apartment, and they may really just be living together for the sake of their daughter, but I saw the look in his eyes as he was listening to Nik tell what happened.
There is still some love there, he still cares very deeply for her, he has never moved on, never gotten into any serious relationships after her, and even though they agreed to split the rent and bills, just live as roommates who happen to be the parents of Leonna, he just pays everything and doesn't complain.
I really think that he takes care of his family because that is how he sees it, it's his family living in that apartment, and he loves both his daughter and Nik.
Really, the look in his eyes and also the way that he hugged her when she started to cry again, yeah, he still cares for her and loves her very, very much.

I'm babysitting newborns!

I posted to Twitter and Facebook last night but forgot to post about it here, ooops, sorry!
Some friends are moving, but they can't move into their new place until Monday, so they are staying with some friends but the friends said no pets, so I am babysitting their cat Maggie.
Maggie was pregnant, she was not not due for another week or so, but the stress of moving caused her to go into labor early and she gave birth to four tiny baby kitties yesterday!

This is a picture of Momma Maggie and her babies, click for biggie.

These are the tiny kitty babies on the second day of their lives!
To me, tiny kitty babies are more precious than diamonds. They are just so stinking cute!
I wanna pick them up and cuddle with the all!
Click for biggie size on this one too!

We are having so much fun with Maggie and her kittens, the teens just love them.
Mark loves the little orange one of course, it reminds him of his cat Simba that he had when he was younger and it was killed by the store owner that ran the store below our apartment.
That guy killed five cats that morning, jerk
I went in the other room and caught Mark laying on the bed just staring at the little kitty, he looked so sad, so I asked him what was wrong, he said that he missed Simba a lot and this little kitty looks just like him.
I gave him a hug and put the kitten in his hands, he smiled, said it was so tiny and cute, but it made him nervous to be holding such a small newborn, so I put it back in the box with Maggie and he went back to just laying there staring at the kittens and smiling.
Kittens make people smile, happy.
Mark may miss Simba, but seeing the tiny kittens makes him happy.

Trying to stay cool, day 4.

It has been so hot out the last few days, I am totally ready for it to be winter again.
We have just been trying to stay as cool and a comfortable as is possible under these hot temps.
It has only been in the low 90's, but there has been a high heat and humidity index every single day making the 93 degree temperatures feel like 103 degrees.
You take one step outside, and you are immediately covered in sweat.
It is really rather gross and disgusting, take a shower, go out to get the mail, and need another shower.
Yuck.
The poor air conditioner has been struggling to keep the house at 78 degrees, we only have window units, an LG window air conditioner, and it is just working really hard to keep the house cool.

All of the appliances are working over time, so tomorrow I have a plan to clean the dust out of all of them.
I am going to clean the filter on the AC, and have Sebastian and Mark help me move the refrigerator so that I can vac behind it and vac out the refrigerator filters of all of the dust so that it can work more efficiently.
I am also going to clean the hose on the dryer, vac it out and clean the lint filter really good.
If you let dust stay in all of those filters, not only does it have the potential to cause a house fire, but it also causes the appliances to work harder which increases you electric bill.

Tonight we are just chilling out, relaxing and watching movies.
Right now, we are watching Clash of the Titans, and so far, it's not too bad.
It just started, and I know that it got some bad reviews, the story line and script is bad apparently, but the special effects go good ratings anyway.
Meh, it's something to watch, something to do that doesn't take up any energy and make you sweat, so we'll watch it.
Not too much else going on here, really just trying to take it easy and chill out as much as possible.

Flexible tripod at Buy.com

This Q:Electronics Flexible Tripod may not be on sale at Buy.com this week, but the price they have it at screams a buy me price!

It's normally $19.99, but they have it for just $8.99 with free shipping, and it's totally flexible which I love!
I imagine all of the pictures that I have taken over the years that have come out all blurry and obviously shaky because my hands were shaking while I was taking them.
Good pictures, or they would have been good pictures, of the kids at special moments in their lives that I can never get back.
All I have is the memories of those times and some really blurry pictures.

You can set this flexible tripod on a flat surface like a table, or you can wrap the flexible legs around the arm of a chair or a tree or tree branch like is pictured above, and still get a steady picture.
My hands shake something fierce sometimes, so getting a picture that isn't full of motion blurs can be kind of difficult for me to do sometimes.
Having a flexible tripod that folds up small and flat to carry in a handbag or camera bag with my camera, and can then be placed onto any kind of surface to get a totally motion blur free picture, would be awesome for me.
I could even hang it upside down from a shelf, table, or branch, set the timer, and get a perfect picture every single time!
There are times that I have to make videos, and because my hands shake, I get totally blurry videos, it's awful.
I watch my videos after I film them thinking that I did OK, and when I watch it back, it's all shaky and some parts are blurry.
I will remake a video two to three times hoping to not get any motion blur, and no matter how many times that I do it, my hands still shake, and I still get some motion blur.
I hate it, I could really use a tripod, and a flexible one like this would be perfect for me so that the shakes and blurs would never be in another picture or video.

It has a standard universal 1/4-20 screw for attaching any kind of camera, three reinforced nylon ball-and-socket segmented legs, rubber feet for a good grip on any kind of surface, and a quick-release for taking your camera off of it quickly.
If it stays at this price, when I get some extra "me" spending money, I am definitely going to pick one of these up so that I can take perfect motion blur free pictures and videos from now on.

EDIT**
Christine commented that she has one of these flexible tripods, she actually bought it at Buy.com, and she said that it is one of those things that once you have it, you wonder how you lived without it before you got it.

The more that I think about it, the more that I want one.
I know that the quality of my pictures would be so so much better if my hands were not all shaky all of the time, but they do shake something fierce, so a tripod is definitely the way to go for me.
If Buy.com keeps this tripod at this low price for a few more weeks, I may have to get one, I definitely want one, so I just hope that they do keep it at this awesomely low low price for a little while longer.
My pictures and videos will be all that much better if I can get this tripod.